Archive for the ‘Laugh Out Loud’ Category

The Honeymoon – Part 1: Fig Leaf

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Fig Leaf

Imagine many years ago, many, many years ago, when Uncle Bud and his newlywed honey are in their Hotel Room in Maui, Hawaii.   Uncle Bud was doing quite a job of drinking that night and thought it would be funny to pretend he was Adam from Adam and Eve.  You see there was a fig tree in our room and I took a fig leaf off the tree and with some string, tied it around my nude carcass and pretended I was Adam… My wife thought it was so funny(remember she was drinking with me also and usually thought I was hysterical when she was a bit tipsy), to see me naked with a fig leaf around my crotch.  She snapped a picture of me… Now you got to remember how many years ago this was,(30 or so years)…  When we got back to the States, she brought the film into one of those 24 hour weird places to develop it. When she got it back, I was in horror.  There I was in all my splendor with my shwantz hanging out… It turns out that the fig leaf was not placed entirely in the right place… What made matters worse, is that in those days, they usually had weird people working in those 24 hour deals…I know this for a fact as my college buddy, Danny worked in one… In his place, they had a midget, an Albino and a blind person…. And they always made copies of the weird nude pictures for themselves…

Can you imagine what weird people have pictures circulating of Uncle Bud with his pud hanging out…. Oh well..

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Humor, Laugh Out Loud, Quirky | 2 Comments »

The Rub

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Yellow Lab With A Red Rocket

So I’m coming home from my meeting at night and I’m thinking, how to start with the wife give her a fast back massage and sleep the old wieneroo in if you catch my drift… But when I enter the house there it is…. Our yellow lab is walking around hunched on all fours with a weird look on his face…He is a 100 pound lab who has had his yarbles yanked if you know what I mean… My young daughter is going, “look at Orion, something’s wrong with him, he has a red lipstick hanging out…”.Yup, here it is you all know what that is, the RED ROCKET.  My son is saying Dad, we need to do something, Orion has had that thing hanging out for 2 hours….  The dog is walking around like Jackie Gleason with no legs..   My son says he needs to call the Vet… Now I need to let you know, that our dog is like a child to us and my son loves him more than life itself…. He calls the Vet up(she’s a female vet) and so help me god, this is what she tells my son… I have a chocolate lab and whenever this problem happens,  I put some Vaseline in my hand and gently coax the thing back in… Can you believe this?   My son goes ok, and the next thing we hear my son Nick say is this.  (Remember we love old rover as if he is one of the family….we would do anything for him).    “Say goodbye to Old Yeller, get the shot gun”

Needless to say my wife did not get a backrub that night, the weasel was not decongested, and old yeller was sleeping gently.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Humor, Laugh Out Loud, Quirky | No Comments »

Stanley Steamer

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Red Jeep

I was in the doldrums of selling, when I get a call from my banjo playing buddy in Atlanta, GA.  It turns out that he had one more saga to tell me about in the ongoing battle his wife was having with his neighbor.   It turns out that no matter how many suggestions my friends neighbor gave to his wife, she kept on walking her dog by their front lawn!   You get the drift.  Nice Kentucky Blue Grass with a coiled turd on it.  Aint’ too good for neighborly love.

Well one fine morning, after I had enjoyed a great breakfast at work, my buddy calls me with panic in his voice…  He said he woke up in the morning, had his coffee cup in hand, and walked out to the front of his house to pick up the morning paper, and aghast, there it was…  On his glistening new Red Jeep 4×4 SUV was a giant steaming log of turd.   He was so horrified that he called me up.. What made me start pissing my pants is when he said he knew his neighbor did it.. I asked, “What do you mean?” He said that in the middle of the night, his neighbor must have got on top of the hood of his Jeep, pulled his pants down, and squeezed out a Stanley Steamer.  As I was laughing my ass off, I asked him how he knew it was a human crapola and he said he could tell by the size of it…  He also said it was about 15 inches long, and glistening in the morning sun.

Needless to say, my friend’s wife does not walk the dog anymore.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Humor, Laugh Out Loud | No Comments »

Milking the Mouse

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Many years ago, when selling, I was accused of trying to produce yet another sale from an account that was not going to produce any more….  My boss accused me of “milking the mouse”.

On this point, good old bud got thinking…. Now we all saw the movie, “Meet the Parents”, where Gaylord says he could milk a cat, and DeNiro says; ” Milk me, Focher”.   It was rather funny but it got me thinking. Can you actually milk a man as opposed to the Milkman?  See below.

Can men breastfeed?

Expert Answers
Jan Barger, lactation consultant

What an intriguing question! I’m sure that many men have wished they could, especially when they see the closeness that develops between a nursing mother and her infant.

Yes, in theory, men can breastfeed. Male breasts have milk ducts, and some mammary tissue. They also have oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones responsible for milk production. There have been reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive breast and nipple stimulation, but no one knows whether the milk was of the same composition or quality as the kind women produce. Using a pump, or a feeding tube (a small silicone tube attached to a plastic bottle filled with formula) at his breast, he might be able to get a baby to latch on and suckle, but how long it would take to produce even drops of milk is anyone’s guess.

This is a very interesting topic…. What is meant by extensive nipple stimulation?…. I think we need to ask Squirrel boy that question…

Uncle bud

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Humor, Laugh Out Loud | 3 Comments »

Merkin

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Merkin

Hey you guys out there! When your shopping for a nice Valentine’s day present for your honey, maybe thinking of getting her some new squirrel covers, think of this story.  Uncle Bud would not lie;

Many years ago when I was working for this software company, I had a VP who told me this story… He said that during the Victorian period, they had so many diseases like lice, they used to have to shave the woman’s pubic region.  To compensate for this task, they used to have wig hats for the crotch called Merkins…I think he had a license plate called Merkin… So next time you are snuggling up next to your honeys biscuit, think how lovely a blue Mohawk would look about the width of Hitler’s mustache..  It makes you wonder….

Over and out from your old friend Uncle Bud.

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Humor, Laugh Out Loud, Stranger | 1 Comment »