Uncle Bud here, waking you up out of the daydreams of a lazy afternoon.

I was eating dinner with my good friend, and he told a story that I can still visualize almost as clear as Britney Spears horrid upskirt shots.

So I was talking to my friend and he was telling me that he and his now ex-wife were at the water slide park. They were enjoying their time and his wife said she will be right back,  she needed to go to the lady’s room.  Well you all know what that means.  A half an hour later she came scampering out, and to my friends horror, there she was with her bathing suit tucked into her pooter.  I was quizzical at what he was getting out until my buddy said this;  “The best way to describe the sight was it looked like twin caterpillars, one on each side of her whoseit. This had me roaring so loud with laughter a tight quick staccato fart escaped…to my amazement, nobody had noticed

Uncle Bud here again….

When I was a kid, my groups of friends and I had common tasteless stories that all of us idiots shared. Some were very bizarre… Here’s one for you:
There was a name for a person who couldn’t help themselvs but sniff female bicycle seats, and that name was a Flurp. Now in itself that is very weird… Us babbling idiot kids thought this was really funny. There were many other name and labels and another one that I still remember today is one for a person who farts in a bathtub waits for the bubbles to arise so they sniff them. Now it is rare that I ask you to respond, but for the life of me, I can not think of the name… I believe it rhymes with Flurp… For all you weird ones out there, please respond and let me know the name of this type of person… PS. I know that most of you who have never done this, will soon be a sniffing..

Over and out…
Uncle Bud

On that same Honeymoon, I had one of those expensive dinners the night before, very rich food. The next night, me and the little lady were going out to a highbrow restaurant and needed to get all dressed up. I got on my three piece suit with the vest and all. You know the one that makes you look like one of the Bee Gees… Oh well. My wife was not dressed yet.. You know how long it takes for ladies to get ready. Putting on their face and all that crap.. Then it hit me.. A tremendous rumbling in my stomach… You know what that means….A tremendous fart is building… I did not want to waste it and had an idea that amounted to this… Brilliance. I asked my wife if she could check my pants that I was wearing; that I thought I may have ripped them.. She got on her knees to examine the ass part of my pants with me in them, and than I did it. I let rip one of the proudest, loudest farts of my life… It actually blew my wife backwards off her feet… Now old Bud laughed as I thought this was pretty funny… My wife did not… It was a pretty solemn evening but I still look back at this as a thing of beauty.

1.       Facebook was created for college students and young conformists, let’s keep it that way.

2.       Sporting letters of popular clothing brands on your ass makes you look like some second class tramp, it never looked good on teenagers and any 40 year old women wearing them come off to me as desperate ho’s getting bored with their husband and dreaming of an affair with the 22 year old pool guy.

3.       Ugg’s – since when did women think that boot/slippers that  resemble a diarrhea soaked rag wrapped around your feet are acceptable to wear with….ANYTHING?!? The teenagers and young adults look like sick baby turds in them, you older folk’s wearing them look like you should have hung yourself years ago.

4.       Ladies, those D&G glasses you all wear, the one’s that cover up your whole face. I understand the few of you who wear them to cover up the botched plastic surgery you got because you wanted to make yourselves look like a young high school tramp again, but just for fashion? What next, rainbow merkins?

5.       Thongs; they are all the rage now, and I love em’. However, I notice now and again that I am seeing VTL or “Visible Thong Line”. I thought thongs were created to make all of the visible [insert undergarment type here] lines non-existent! Do yourself and significant other a favor and just get a damn g-string. Nobody can see the “cute” pattern on the top part that is a bit above your ass crack anyway…unless you are one of those who have no self respect and enjoy random guys looking every time you get even close to bending over.

Imagine many years ago, many, many years ago, when Uncle Bud and his newlywed honey are in their Hotel Room in Maui, Hawaii.   Uncle Bud was doing quite a job of drinking that night and thought it would be funny to pretend he was Adam from Adam and Eve.  You see there was a fig tree in our room and I took a fig leaf off the tree and with some string, tied it around my nude carcass and pretended I was Adam… My wife thought it was so funny(remember she was drinking with me also and usually thought I was hysterical when she was a bit tipsy), to see me naked with a fig leaf around my crotch.  She snapped a picture of me… Now you got to remember how many years ago this was,(30 or so years)…  When we got back to the States, she brought the film into one of those 24 hour weird places to develop it. When she got it back, I was in horror.  There I was in all my splendor with my shwantz hanging out… It turns out that the fig leaf was not placed entirely in the right place… What made matters worse, is that in those days, they usually had weird people working in those 24 hour deals…I know this for a fact as my college buddy, Danny worked in one… In his place, they had a midget, an Albino and a blind person…. And they always made copies of the weird nude pictures for themselves…

Can you imagine what weird people have pictures circulating of Uncle Bud with his pud hanging out…. Oh well..

I was driving to Bud’s house a couple days ago and there was quite a bit of traffic. As usual I was late due to my obsession with matches. So I was driving at a fairly fast rate of speed and as I do a one-two glance into my rear-view mirror  there is this guy I see coming up from behind me. This guy is weaving in and out of lanes, talking on his cell phone, and cutting people off . So already I was pissed. As the guy cuts me off and I throw him a pleasant hand gesture, I notice his license plate.  Ohhhh! That’s it! Dude thinks he can play speed racer because he has a personalized license plate that Olympians can put on their cars. It’s like the license plates the War Vets and Firefighters get to place on their cars, the get-out-of-a-ticket plates.  So this driver, Mr. Olympic Driver, thinks he can drive like he owns the roads, like a maniac, because he used to throw balls of iron or go down hills on two wooden boards at high speeds, well I got news for you asshole.  This cluster fuck of a human and anyone else out there on the roads who thinks they are special: you are not special, you are just the same as any other dickhead driver,you are just like the rest of us and your shit stinks just like everyone else’s. Readers, next time you see someone like this driving around give them the finger and tell them Squirrel Boy sends his regards. See ya on the roads dogturds!

So I’m coming home from my meeting at night and I’m thinking, how to start with the wife give her a fast back massage and sleep the old wieneroo in if you catch my drift… But when I enter the house there it is…. Our yellow lab is walking around hunched on all fours with a weird look on his face…He is a 100 pound lab who has had his yarbles yanked if you know what I mean… My young daughter is going, “look at Orion, something’s wrong with him, he has a red lipstick hanging out…”.Yup, here it is you all know what that is, the RED ROCKET.  My son is saying Dad, we need to do something, Orion has had that thing hanging out for 2 hours….  The dog is walking around like Jackie Gleason with no legs..   My son says he needs to call the Vet… Now I need to let you know, that our dog is like a child to us and my son loves him more than life itself…. He calls the Vet up(she’s a female vet) and so help me god, this is what she tells my son… I have a chocolate lab and whenever this problem happens,  I put some Vaseline in my hand and gently coax the thing back in… Can you believe this?   My son goes ok, and the next thing we hear my son Nick say is this.  (Remember we love old rover as if he is one of the family….we would do anything for him).    “Say goodbye to Old Yeller, get the shot gun”

Needless to say my wife did not get a backrub that night, the weasel was not decongested, and old yeller was sleeping gently.

]]> http://www.strangerthanfriction.net/2009/03/12/the-rub/feed/ 0 http://www.strangerthanfriction.net/2009/03/10/stanley-steamer/ http://www.strangerthanfriction.net/2009/03/10/stanley-steamer/#comments Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:12:49 +0000 Uncle Bud http://www.strangerthanfriction.net/?p=182

I was in the doldrums of selling, when I get a call from my banjo playing buddy in Atlanta, GA.  It turns out that he had one more saga to tell me about in the ongoing battle his wife was having with his neighbor.   It turns out that no matter how many suggestions my friends neighbor gave to his wife, she kept on walking her dog by their front lawn!   You get the drift.  Nice Kentucky Blue Grass with a coiled turd on it.  Aint’ too good for neighborly love.

Well one fine morning, after I had enjoyed a great breakfast at work, my buddy calls me with panic in his voice…  He said he woke up in the morning, had his coffee cup in hand, and walked out to the front of his house to pick up the morning paper, and aghast, there it was…  On his glistening new Red Jeep 4×4 SUV was a giant steaming log of turd.   He was so horrified that he called me up.. What made me start pissing my pants is when he said he knew his neighbor did it.. I asked, “What do you mean?” He said that in the middle of the night, his neighbor must have got on top of the hood of his Jeep, pulled his pants down, and squeezed out a Stanley Steamer.  As I was laughing my ass off, I asked him how he knew it was a human crapola and he said he could tell by the size of it…  He also said it was about 15 inches long, and glistening in the morning sun.

Needless to say, my friend’s wife does not walk the dog anymore.

On this point, good old bud got thinking…. Now we all saw the movie, “Meet the Parents”, where Gaylord says he could milk a cat, and DeNiro says; ” Milk me, Focher”.   It was rather funny but it got me thinking. Can you actually milk a man as opposed to the Milkman?  See below.

Can men breastfeed?

Expert Answers
Jan Barger, lactation consultant

What an intriguing question! I’m sure that many men have wished they could, especially when they see the closeness that develops between a nursing mother and her infant.

Yes, in theory, men can breastfeed. Male breasts have milk ducts, and some mammary tissue. They also have oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones responsible for milk production. There have been reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive breast and nipple stimulation, but no one knows whether the milk was of the same composition or quality as the kind women produce. Using a pump, or a feeding tube (a small silicone tube attached to a plastic bottle filled with formula) at his breast, he might be able to get a baby to latch on and suckle, but how long it would take to produce even drops of milk is anyone’s guess.

This is a very interesting topic…. What is meant by extensive nipple stimulation?…. I think we need to ask Squirrel boy that question…

Uncle bud

Uncle Bud here.   Did I ever tell you the story of the little woman and myself moving to a new place?  We had just moved all our belongings and realized we had no food in the refrigerator, so we drove into town to get some groceries. We unloaded the cart into the trunk, I got into the driver seat, my wife into the passenger seat and as I started to drive away, a seedy looking woman tried to open my wife’s side of the door. The look of horror on my wife’s face was akin to stepping on a ripe turd with bare feet on hot summers night.. The woman was saying, “Please help me I am losing my Bowels!”.   What made the statement worse was the woman had her pants and her drawers around her ankles and was attempting to hop into the car. Oh yeah, please come in and take a dump on my Corinthian leather interior.  We drove away as the woman was hopping after our car, her ugly crusty naked body glistening in the sun.  Needless to say, our Meatloaf dinner was not well touched..