Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

The Honeymoon – Part 1: Fig Leaf

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Fig Leaf

Imagine many years ago, many, many years ago, when Uncle Bud and his newlywed honey are in their Hotel Room in Maui, Hawaii.   Uncle Bud was doing quite a job of drinking that night and thought it would be funny to pretend he was Adam from Adam and Eve.  You see there was a fig tree in our room and I took a fig leaf off the tree and with some string, tied it around my nude carcass and pretended I was Adam… My wife thought it was so funny(remember she was drinking with me also and usually thought I was hysterical when she was a bit tipsy), to see me naked with a fig leaf around my crotch.  She snapped a picture of me… Now you got to remember how many years ago this was,(30 or so years)…  When we got back to the States, she brought the film into one of those 24 hour weird places to develop it. When she got it back, I was in horror.  There I was in all my splendor with my shwantz hanging out… It turns out that the fig leaf was not placed entirely in the right place… What made matters worse, is that in those days, they usually had weird people working in those 24 hour deals…I know this for a fact as my college buddy, Danny worked in one… In his place, they had a midget, an Albino and a blind person…. And they always made copies of the weird nude pictures for themselves…

Can you imagine what weird people have pictures circulating of Uncle Bud with his pud hanging out…. Oh well..

Stanley Steamer

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Red Jeep

I was in the doldrums of selling, when I get a call from my banjo playing buddy in Atlanta, GA.  It turns out that he had one more saga to tell me about in the ongoing battle his wife was having with his neighbor.   It turns out that no matter how many suggestions my friends neighbor gave to his wife, she kept on walking her dog by their front lawn!   You get the drift.  Nice Kentucky Blue Grass with a coiled turd on it.  Aint’ too good for neighborly love.

Well one fine morning, after I had enjoyed a great breakfast at work, my buddy calls me with panic in his voice…  He said he woke up in the morning, had his coffee cup in hand, and walked out to the front of his house to pick up the morning paper, and aghast, there it was…  On his glistening new Red Jeep 4×4 SUV was a giant steaming log of turd.   He was so horrified that he called me up.. What made me start pissing my pants is when he said he knew his neighbor did it.. I asked, “What do you mean?” He said that in the middle of the night, his neighbor must have got on top of the hood of his Jeep, pulled his pants down, and squeezed out a Stanley Steamer.  As I was laughing my ass off, I asked him how he knew it was a human crapola and he said he could tell by the size of it…  He also said it was about 15 inches long, and glistening in the morning sun.

Needless to say, my friend’s wife does not walk the dog anymore.