Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Mr. Olympic Driver

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

So… drivers these days, where do they come from and how did they acquire a license? Better yet, why are Olympians allowed to drive?

I was driving to Bud’s house a couple days ago and there was quite a bit of traffic. As usual I was late due to my obsession with matches. So I was driving at a fairly fast rate of speed and as I do a one-two glance into my rear-view mirror  there is this guy I see coming up from behind me. This guy is weaving in and out of lanes, talking on his cell phone, and cutting people off . So already I was pissed. As the guy cuts me off and I throw him a pleasant hand gesture, I notice his license plate.  Ohhhh! That’s it! Dude thinks he can play speed racer because he has a personalized license plate that Olympians can put on their cars. It’s like the license plates the War Vets and Firefighters get to place on their cars, the get-out-of-a-ticket plates.  So this driver, Mr. Olympic Driver, thinks he can drive like he owns the roads, like a maniac, because he used to throw balls of iron or go down hills on two wooden boards at high speeds, well I got news for you asshole.  This cluster fuck of a human and anyone else out there on the roads who thinks they are special: you are not special, you are just the same as any other dickhead driver,you are just like the rest of us and your shit stinks just like everyone else’s. Readers, next time you see someone like this driving around give them the finger and tell them Squirrel Boy sends his regards. See ya on the roads dogturds!

The Rub

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Yellow Lab With A Red Rocket

So I’m coming home from my meeting at night and I’m thinking, how to start with the wife give her a fast back massage and sleep the old wieneroo in if you catch my drift… But when I enter the house there it is…. Our yellow lab is walking around hunched on all fours with a weird look on his face…He is a 100 pound lab who has had his yarbles yanked if you know what I mean… My young daughter is going, “look at Orion, something’s wrong with him, he has a red lipstick hanging out…”.Yup, here it is you all know what that is, the RED ROCKET.  My son is saying Dad, we need to do something, Orion has had that thing hanging out for 2 hours….  The dog is walking around like Jackie Gleason with no legs..   My son says he needs to call the Vet… Now I need to let you know, that our dog is like a child to us and my son loves him more than life itself…. He calls the Vet up(she’s a female vet) and so help me god, this is what she tells my son… I have a chocolate lab and whenever this problem happens,  I put some Vaseline in my hand and gently coax the thing back in… Can you believe this?   My son goes ok, and the next thing we hear my son Nick say is this.  (Remember we love old rover as if he is one of the family….we would do anything for him).    “Say goodbye to Old Yeller, get the shot gun”

Needless to say my wife did not get a backrub that night, the weasel was not decongested, and old yeller was sleeping gently.

Milking the Mouse

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Many years ago, when selling, I was accused of trying to produce yet another sale from an account that was not going to produce any more….  My boss accused me of “milking the mouse”.

On this point, good old bud got thinking…. Now we all saw the movie, “Meet the Parents”, where Gaylord says he could milk a cat, and DeNiro says; ” Milk me, Focher”.   It was rather funny but it got me thinking. Can you actually milk a man as opposed to the Milkman?  See below.

Can men breastfeed?

Expert Answers
Jan Barger, lactation consultant

What an intriguing question! I’m sure that many men have wished they could, especially when they see the closeness that develops between a nursing mother and her infant.

Yes, in theory, men can breastfeed. Male breasts have milk ducts, and some mammary tissue. They also have oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones responsible for milk production. There have been reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive breast and nipple stimulation, but no one knows whether the milk was of the same composition or quality as the kind women produce. Using a pump, or a feeding tube (a small silicone tube attached to a plastic bottle filled with formula) at his breast, he might be able to get a baby to latch on and suckle, but how long it would take to produce even drops of milk is anyone’s guess.

This is a very interesting topic…. What is meant by extensive nipple stimulation?…. I think we need to ask Squirrel boy that question…

Uncle bud