Posts Tagged ‘Uncle Bud’

The Rub

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Yellow Lab With A Red Rocket

So I’m coming home from my meeting at night and I’m thinking, how to start with the wife give her a fast back massage and sleep the old wieneroo in if you catch my drift… But when I enter the house there it is…. Our yellow lab is walking around hunched on all fours with a weird look on his face…He is a 100 pound lab who has had his yarbles yanked if you know what I mean… My young daughter is going, “look at Orion, something’s wrong with him, he has a red lipstick hanging out…”.Yup, here it is you all know what that is, the RED ROCKET.  My son is saying Dad, we need to do something, Orion has had that thing hanging out for 2 hours….  The dog is walking around like Jackie Gleason with no legs..   My son says he needs to call the Vet… Now I need to let you know, that our dog is like a child to us and my son loves him more than life itself…. He calls the Vet up(she’s a female vet) and so help me god, this is what she tells my son… I have a chocolate lab and whenever this problem happens,  I put some Vaseline in my hand and gently coax the thing back in… Can you believe this?   My son goes ok, and the next thing we hear my son Nick say is this.  (Remember we love old rover as if he is one of the family….we would do anything for him).    “Say goodbye to Old Yeller, get the shot gun”

Needless to say my wife did not get a backrub that night, the weasel was not decongested, and old yeller was sleeping gently.

Milking the Mouse

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Many years ago, when selling, I was accused of trying to produce yet another sale from an account that was not going to produce any more….  My boss accused me of “milking the mouse”.

On this point, good old bud got thinking…. Now we all saw the movie, “Meet the Parents”, where Gaylord says he could milk a cat, and DeNiro says; ” Milk me, Focher”.   It was rather funny but it got me thinking. Can you actually milk a man as opposed to the Milkman?  See below.

Can men breastfeed?

Expert Answers
Jan Barger, lactation consultant

What an intriguing question! I’m sure that many men have wished they could, especially when they see the closeness that develops between a nursing mother and her infant.

Yes, in theory, men can breastfeed. Male breasts have milk ducts, and some mammary tissue. They also have oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones responsible for milk production. There have been reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive breast and nipple stimulation, but no one knows whether the milk was of the same composition or quality as the kind women produce. Using a pump, or a feeding tube (a small silicone tube attached to a plastic bottle filled with formula) at his breast, he might be able to get a baby to latch on and suckle, but how long it would take to produce even drops of milk is anyone’s guess.

This is a very interesting topic…. What is meant by extensive nipple stimulation?…. I think we need to ask Squirrel boy that question…

Uncle bud

NO Doody

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Bowel Movement

Uncle Bud here.   Did I ever tell you the story of the little woman and myself moving to a new place?  We had just moved all our belongings and realized we had no food in the refrigerator, so we drove into town to get some groceries. We unloaded the cart into the trunk, I got into the driver seat, my wife into the passenger seat and as I started to drive away, a seedy looking woman tried to open my wife’s side of the door. The look of horror on my wife’s face was akin to stepping on a ripe turd with bare feet on hot summers night.. The woman was saying, “Please help me I am losing my Bowels!”.   What made the statement worse was the woman had her pants and her drawers around her ankles and was attempting to hop into the car. Oh yeah, please come in and take a dump on my Corinthian leather interior.  We drove away as the woman was hopping after our car, her ugly crusty naked body glistening in the sun.  Needless to say, our Meatloaf dinner was not well touched..

Merkin

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Merkin

Hey you guys out there! When your shopping for a nice Valentine’s day present for your honey, maybe thinking of getting her some new squirrel covers, think of this story.  Uncle Bud would not lie;

Many years ago when I was working for this software company, I had a VP who told me this story… He said that during the Victorian period, they had so many diseases like lice, they used to have to shave the woman’s pubic region.  To compensate for this task, they used to have wig hats for the crotch called Merkins…I think he had a license plate called Merkin… So next time you are snuggling up next to your honeys biscuit, think how lovely a blue Mohawk would look about the width of Hitler’s mustache..  It makes you wonder….

Over and out from your old friend Uncle Bud.